At St Thomas Aquinas we are continually teaching our students about digital and online safety to help them become knowledgeable digital citizens. Each week we will be posting online safety tips to help parents and families build your knowledge and open discussion with your children at home. Watch this space! 

The hard-to-have conversations

Talking with your child about tricky personal subjects.

Perhaps your child has been bullied online, sent or received an intimate image, or come across pornography online. Conversations about experiences like these can be difficult.  

When you talk to your child about personal subjects, you are trying to balance a number of different things: 

• respecting your child’s privacy while still making sure they are safe and happy 
• giving them space to test their own problem-solving skills online but supporting them as they make their own way 
• educating them about people’s different personalities but knowing you can’t make their choices for them 
• establishing boundaries while being understanding and open 

For kids under 8 years old

• Strike a balance between protecting your children and avoiding increasing their curiosity. If you are reasonably sure your child has not been exposed to pornographic content, you might feel that raising the subject will simply make them curious. 
• At this age, it may be best to couch a discussion about pornography in a broader discussion about sex, protecting our bodies, abuse, or other similarly delicate topics. Your approach will depend on your own family values and the maturity level of your child. 
• Focus more on how your child is feeling than on what exactly they saw. Children at this age may feel ‘yucky’ and scared – even violated – but they may also feel curious. 
• While you may want to avoid the issue of ‘too much information’, try to respond to your child's curiosity with honesty and candour. 

For pre-teens 8-12

• At this age, kids may be curious about sex and sexuality. As they enter puberty and adolescence, changes in the brain and body combined with other hormonal changes can increase your child’s interest in this area.  
• They may hear things in the playground or at a friend’s home. They might want to know more, but feel that asking mum or dad about sex would be embarrassing. Sometimes they may seek information out themselves, or someone else may show them images and videos – and these may include pornography. 
• You may have already talked with them about things like puberty, body image, sex, gender, keeping bodies safe (from abuse) or even pornography. If not, now is a good time to start planning these conversations. 

I need help to start the chat 

If you feel it is just too hard for you to have a conversation about sex or pornography with a child in your care, here are a few things you could try: 

• Get a book – there are lots of suitable books on this topic for children of different ages. 
• Purchase an educational, and age-appropriate, DVD for your child to watch. 
• Find a trusted adult, such as an auntie, uncle or teacher to help with the conversation. 
• Talk to the school counsellor, a professional counselling service or Helpline or Parentline.
• Try to let your child know why you find it difficult to talk about these topics – they are tricky and sensitive. Explain that you want them to have access to the right information.